Master Zane Carried a Brain

Master Zane carried a Brain

Master Zane carried a brain inside a box. It came with a long list of instructions. Which, consequently, he failed to read the night before. Zane wondered if he should have—after his head caught fire—but Zane kept his chin up all the same.

Zane performed the complex neurological procedure necessary to install the brain, in front of the mirror. Initially, his hands were cool and steady, like the stoney hands of a veteran surgeon; however, what Zane saw next shook his hands with fear.

It was the wrong shipment.

He had ordered, “Tap Dancing Brain: Delux+”, a smooth choice for the suave gentleman of class. Yet, instead he had installed some smack of a brain, a custom hybrid. Oh the cursed excitement of unpacking a new brain! Why?!!

He wondered who in their right mind would ever order, “Exploding Brain: lite” and cross it with, “Fashionista Brain: by Raymano El Drisso.” Not only was his head exploding with great balls of fire, he had a sudden urge to spend his entire life savings on a Spanish fashion catalogue.

Zane was so overcome with the delights of Spanish dress, he forgot about the thirty minute uninstall time. Without the required money, Zane would be stuck like this forever.

Much to everyone’s surprise, and perhaps mild amusement, Zane left his home in Bristol, England, and boarded the next plane to Argentina—where ninety-six percent of people spoke Spanish. It was certain they would understand his acute sense of style.

Master Zane had a brain inside a box. Now that brain was inside his head. That brain destined for an experimental mariachi, Alfredo Manzanero, had achieved 100% synchronisation with a gentleman of complete woodenness.

“Born with two left feet,” they would say, with their piteous smiles.

Zane, hoping for a mere confidence booster, had ordered the brain to win himself a suitable companion for the local Winter Ball. No one could have prepared themselves for the reality.

Zane and his brain exploded onto the local Argentinian Fashion scene with wit, and class. The elegance of “Zane Designs” helped shape the Spanish fashion industry for a half century.

Today we remember Master Zane. Who despite an unfortunate error shaped an entire industry, and inspired many young designers to undergo similarly radical brain transplants.

Today, the Ink Jester would say, always read the instructions, and be careful to check your packaging specifications this holiday season. In the mean time do not besmirch the name of brain-gain-transference (BGT), but revel in the joy it brings to so many souls this Christmas. Δ


© Iain Sutherland, 2013.

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2 thoughts on “Master Zane Carried a Brain

  1. “Always read the instructions” Have you ever read a Haynes’ car manual? My husband has. The most baffling instruction ever: assembly is the reverse of disassembly. Happy Christmas!

    • haha that is crazy instructing! I remember putting together a desk and getting stuck on the draw sliders. the picture just showed an arrow saying, “put here”. that day I wondered if there chimpanzees writing our instruction manuals.

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