How To Catch a Blackbird

How To Catch a Blackbird

How to catch a Blackbird

Step 1: Food
– Buy a loaf of Extra Grain Wholemeal bread
– Forage for some worms, or buy from a local dealer

Worms

 

Step 2: Location
– Find a secluded park bench
– It must be secluded so you can work alone, without distractions
– Pick a bench surrounded with green grass and bushes
– Find a location with muddy spots, preferably just after rain fall

Lackford Lakes June 2010

Step 3: Time
– “The early bird catches the worm,” get up at the crack of dawn (5-6am)
– If you miss dawn, go at 1:30-2:30pm: it is just after lunch when the blackbirds are looking for more —they are not seagulls after all.

SONY DSC

Methodology A—D

[Blackbird catching methodology is a rather complex subject, I have included four of my favourite ways. If you know of any others, please comment bellow]

Step 4 (a): Method (1) Worms
– Find a muddy spot next to your park bench.
– Place 3-4 worms in the mud—keep an eye out, they tend to disappear.
– When the back bird arrives don’t look it in the eye, pretend not care.
– Slowly stand up and walk to the left of the bird, avoiding all eye contact.
– When the bird believes you have walked past, slowly walk backwards.
– Crouch with your back to the Blackbird.
– Quickly spin around.
– Catch the Blackbird.

Iain Points

Step 4 (b): Method (2) Bread
– Place a whole slice of bread in your hand.
– place your hand on the park bench next to you.
– Stay absolutely still, like a statue.
– Do not look into the birds eyes, it will know what you are up to.
– The whole slice will keep the Blackbird entertained for some time.
– Allow the bird to get comfortable eating from your hand.
– When it has eaten half the slice, quickly close your hand.
– Catch the Blackbird.

bird_and_hand_by_red_feniks

Step 4 (c): Method (3) Trap
– Obtain some fishing line – make sure it is see-through.
– We use fishing line just in case the Blackbird sees the rope moving.
– Place a whole slice of bread, with worms on top, in the mud.
– Tie a slipknot in the string so that it loops back on itself.
– Place the loop around the circumference of the feeding area.
– Hide behind the park bench.
– Keep as quiet as a statue.
– Make sure you do not make eye contact with the bird.
– When the Blackbird has relaxed and has begun to feed:
– Pull the fishing line tight.
– The fishing line will tighten itself around the creatures legs.
– Catch the Blackbird.

Filet_de_pêche_DSC00632

Step 4 (d): Method (4) Paint
– Obtain some black non-toxic body paint, glue, and black craft feathers.
– Gather ferns, twigs, grass, mud, and sticks from the bushes around you.
– Paint your whole body black. Yes, all of it.
– Glue black feathers to your midriff, so as not to shock the Blackbird.
– Glue black feathers to your hands, feet, and chest.
– These are the most suspicious parts of the human anatomy.
– Put 12 1/2 worms in the mud alongside two whole loaves of bread.
– Pretend to be eating the worms and bread.
– When the Blackbird arrives offer it some food, and slowly back off.
– Relinquish your alpha-status.
– Do not look the Blackbird in the eye, under any circumstances.
– Pretend to be making a nest with the gathered ingredients.
– The nest does not have to be liveable, it is merely a distraction tactic.
– When you are done, place worms inside the nest
– Offer the Blackbird to stay over in your nest.
– If it does not accept, that is okay, just place it to the side.
– Do not look the Blackbird directly in the eye.
– Now that the Blackbird thinks you are a Blackbird.
– Remind it you mean no harm.
– Reach out slowly.
– Catch the Blackbird.

apocalypse now martin sheen

Step 5: Selfie and Release
– Once you have caught the Blackbird, take a selfie.
– Explain, again, to the Blackbird that you meant it no harm.
– Do not look the Blackbird in the eye.
– (optional) Pray a blessing over the Blackbird.
– Release the Blackbird once again into the wild.

blackbirds_eye_by_andrewpoison-d353ven

photo: http://th09.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2010/352/c/f/blackbirds_eye_by_andrewpoison-d353ven.jpg

Step 6: Upload
– Upload Selfie onto the Internet.
– Pack up your gear.
– Go home.
– Enjoy your success.
– Like your selfie 10 times with fake accounts.

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Thank you for reading, happy Blackbird catching!

Iain SutherlandAbout the Author: Iain Sutherland has been catching Blackbirds since he was 5 years old. He first learnt the art of bird catching when his mother encouraged him to take bird watching to the next level. She had just meant writing down bird calls and taking pictures; however, Mr Sutherland wanted to get closer to the birds for closer inspection, he knew birdwatching could only get him so far.


Disclaimer: The above methodology only works on Blackbirds. Iain Sutherland is not responsible for any injuries or cases of social excommunication that may occur, only if the above method is not executed properly. Iain Sutherland is not responsible for any accidents that may occur when looking a Blackbird in the eye. All steps are to be taken at the readers own risk. Iain Sutherland is not liable for any criminal offence occurred in the execution of his method.

All Rights Reserved to © Iain Sutherland, 2014.

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3 thoughts on “How To Catch a Blackbird

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